Run. Run for your life. They can always hurt you if you bleed. The Doctor and River have no mercy. OK, it was either that or a picture of River and a gag about Mrs Slocombes pussy having teeth.
As we all know Survival is beautiful. It has a story, depth, layers, characterisation, an alien race who are not evil but simply adhere to a different morality, a re-invention of The Master which actually works and a subtle lesbian subtext. In short, a talented writer intelligently exploring complicated ideas and what it means to be human without prejudice or being morally judgemental.
However if the new programme makers got their hands on it and gave it to one of their loyal hacks to re-write here is how the trailer would run...
Scene 1: Doctor stands facing Cheetah people in all their snarling ferocity.
Doctor: Oh. Ah, I think I see some puddy cats. Err, good pussy...
Scene 2: Cheetah people surround Rory and try to attack him.
Scene 3: Doctors dialogue played over assorted shots of humans being menaced by Cheetah people.
Doctor: This is not an invasion, it’s survival of the fittest. The human race has to fight and prove its fit enough to survive in the universe.
Scene 4: Wounded Cheetah person crawling to a lake edge. Amy jumps on it and punches it in the face.
Amy: Don’t mess with my husband you bitch
Scene 5: Doctor on horseback, River standing beside him. A flash and jeeps carrying big game hunters materialise and head towards the Cheetah people firing.
Doctor: Ah, as always the cavalry arrive just in the nick of time.
River swings onto horse behind Doctor and cocks laser rifle...
Doctor: Giddy up Mr. ED
River: Now the hunters become the hunted.
As they ride towards the battle River begins firing into the backs of the fleeing Cheetah people.
Next Time – Kinda: where the Doctor helps a lone officer in the space colonial service destroy a savage tribe who violently resist the progress humanity offers them.
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